A Woman's Tear----wow

Why Women Cry�   ����������� A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?'�'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.� 'I don't understand,' he said.� His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'� Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'� 'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.� The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.� Finally he put in a call to God.� When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?' �� God said:� 'When I made the woman she had to be special.'� 'I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,� yet gentle enough to give comfort.'� 'I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.'� 'I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.'� 'I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.'� 'I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.� 'I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.'� 'And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.'� 'This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'� 'That tear holds more then men could understand.'  'If a man was to shed her tear it  would look�enormous.'  ��  'For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power, sacrifice, beauty, pain and compassion.'  'All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel.'  'And that is my son,�why I made�her as close to being Supernatural.'  'She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth.' ''Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on�Earth�that will Love you like I do then your Mother.' 'You see my son,' said God, 'The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.'� The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'� ���������

Tears with reason??

So other than just getting the wits scared out me by a sneaking twelve year old.

I'm sitting here listening to music as loud as I can letting unknown tears run down my face.

Killers. Foo Fighters. Muse. Seethers.

All as loud as I can over and over; crying.

Can't yet tell if its cleansing cry or what.

I did get word on MTB. Looks like plea has been reached.

Leaves there in less than a month.

About 10-12 years in max.

Good I suppose.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Melancholy kind of feeling.

I am not where I wanted to be in this moment. Not at all.

And yet I stay in all this resistance so I can keep getting what I want from it.

More evidence to support the story I made up about harsh and complexity.

Strength and stability. Why never both. How come it is I choose one or the other.

Again more evidence to support my story.

It is so time for a new story.

Why Killers are bringing on tears is a mystery to me.

Whatever triggers I guess. When need it you need it.

Did get swimming in again today. That makes day three.

I am so glad to have someone to do this with. I'm taking me back.

Thinking about GARC at nighttime. In the summer it'd be nice to run there and back.

Course that means getting an ipod and music then too...

We shall see.

After that I was going to do resume, but didn't

Did get my eyebrows done again though.

New Year's is at mom's without mom.

Sisters and kids hanging out. As long as they're happy and I get to see the game it's all good.

I think maybe it might be time for bed now.

That was an early morning and I am really tired.

Feel like bug is creeping bag in for another attack too.

Hey at rebounder moment might help with that.

Bottom of the pile?

How is it that today I feel like i'm on the bottom of the dung pile?

I want what comes from ground and centered, yet it's not easy to stay there.

Deep breath and find it again.

What was that about 99% course corrections.

Listening to that song play, wishing I could play that; have that outlet. And at the same time so glad she can.

Now our talks appear to be done. And they should be, right?

I did get to swimming again today. That's twice. It wasn't long and it wasn't early morning, but it was a start.

Today seemed to be alot harder though. Harder to move, less endurance, harder to breathe. And felt it way more. My butt and hips hurt.

And my arms. But i'll take it, if this helps me melt off all that excess, i'll do anything.

I am reclaiming myself. I will do what it necessary to do that.

Even early morning swimming.

I thougth about going back tonight, but just to much to do.

I could even go to GARC for workout, or Kinsmen too.

Options.

And I intend to use them.

It's also nice to have a friend to come along with me. I need more friends.

That whole target thing.

There is a shift in the wind, a changing of something. 

Like holding your breath before opening a door. Inhale, and let it out.

It's end of the old and beginning of the new.

This has not been the happiest of years, but worth it all? Absolutely.

And for the discovery I made I'd repeat it all in a heartbeat.

If it comes to you, it is meant to come through you.

I need to decide. I really want to start a business.

I really don't know where to begin.

And yet I have to make a choice on how I am going to get things handled.

Is it going back into retail? TKD is winding down. What are my options.

I am against the wall and it's time to go over. 

Over and up.

Onward.

To the new.

If how to's were enough...

How do you reconnect to something you don't even know if you want to be connected to?
Sounds like a complex confusing and complicated question.

I want more.
I am sick -litteraly today- and tired - also literally at this time of day- of where I am stuck at agian.
Nikita has been calling, Shaking my tree.
Is it enough?
Enough to pull yet another rabbit out of my hat in mere days
Only if I can somehow get out my own resistance and go into action.

I'm not seeing a whole lot of that going on.
Yet what other option do I have. I have to take care of what is mine
And that is not happening with the current state of affairs.

Sigh.

How can I?
What if ... Up??

Randomness - WOW

I need to do better at putting some of these thoughts down before they evaporate from my mind, lost for good.

Today has been a most interesting day. Up and down and all over.

Some one called the CB yesterday. That was unexpected. 

Well no first I there was a Christmas card in my mailbox this morning with a surprise. 

Just what I needed to do stockings.

Then I had to go pick up from CB. That was way beyond what I could have imagined. I thought just a bit of stuff, maybe a little something for each of them.

No it's boxes and 7 huge bags of stuff.

And an envelope for me. 

I just sobbed, literally, for awhile. Every time I thought I had a handle on it, it would start up again.

How do you show sufficient gratitude for something like that?

I could never say it enough.

And yet the kindness of strangers astounds me.

A woman whom I just met, knew my heart and hugged me with love and warmth.

I cried alot. On way home I had to pull over I was crying so hard.

WOW.

Then Chocolates from my friend, with her card that made me cry. It was just paint and walls to me, the need to help a true friend in need. To her apparently so much more. Again WOW.

I came back, got stuff sorted out and some put away. Lots to go through tomorrow - well OK later today. Deciding to check my email, and low and behold what do I find. Not one, but two messages from Her. WOW. That girl looks amazing. She looks more and more like me all the time. How did that happen? Not what I expected to say the very least.

To passing that along and sharing. Another WOW.

This is first year we've talked at this time of year. How did that happen?

Did the name thing with them and then the lovely challenge of shopping together. Turns out someone got slippers for grandma, not grandpa. So got to get that taken of. And somehow missed two people entirely.

Good thing open 24hrs. I can't decide if I want to go out now when I'm beat or in the morning when I'm tired and it's insane. Christmas Eve. I wasn't going to go shopping today.

It's been a rather full day. Oh yeah there was that package delivered to wrong house, that an unknown neighbour returned. That was something.

It led to opportunity to discuss the belief and existence of Santa. My 12 year old settling on the fact that Santa merely represents the spirit of Christmas - the giving. And that there are indeed miracles all around.

And we won the game tonight. That was nicest of all.

Yes today was a very full day indeed.

Wonder how I'm going to get last of presents finished in time?

Guess what?

I am never alone. I am always loved.

I am passionate, joyful and a responsible woman.

Wow

Conversation with Alison to mirror Denise, reflecting me.

I am at choice

love 

marriage

relationships

always at choice.

its not good bad right wrong

moment I engage in resistance balance is off.

win/win.

do whatever it takes to keep you safe and your opponent safe also.

don't absorb what's coming at me. bend and flow. and be.

not what I think it looks like

Come from I. This is my journey. instead of sitting and decaying.

if how to's were enough...

intention = results.

intention always works.

not either or . its both and.

24hrs.

When you're there, you are there.

It's still amazing to me all of this.

Two Klemmer emails to re-inforce and remind - offsetting those other three R's

And two phone calls. One much needed conversation. Tears included.

It doesn't have to be what I'm afraid it could be or might mean.

It can be whatever I want it to look like. I want abundance.

From that simple and yet astounding kindness of strangers yesterday in small kinds acts that were so huge for me. To this.

THIS.

Oh yes I can.  Who I am to be small? Who am I to dare to be big? Who am I not.

If you can dream it, you can make it happen.

If it comes to you, it was ment to come through you.

One step at a time.

Remember it is not malicious it is just uncousious. 

And how I do anything is how I do everything.

Every moment a choice, every choice has prices and benefits.

Well nearly there

Breakdown.

If I am going to that breakthrough I intend to have, first going to need to allow the breakdown.

Today I am pretty damned close.

All full of tears and everything.

If I can..

No.

When I push passed this and through this....

I've got everything else pretty much covered. All the big things I already know.

Just this one left, it isn't even a big thing. And yet that is exactly what I am making it into.

It is never about the money.

I hate flannel. I hate Flannel sheets. They're hot,and itchy and irritating.

Yet what's on my bed? Flannel sheets.

Means I have to sleep in PJ's just so I won't have to feel that on my skin.

Sigh.

Not much of being myself there now is there.

Marcel sent me another email.

Dammit! I wanted to be in Costa Rica this year.

I don't care about all the other stuff in the way. I wanted to do that.

I worked hard, but not hard enough for long enough.

And not enough to make up for anyone else either.

Sigh.

It's Tuesday.

I think I need a hug.

Never gets any easier.

This whole being myself stuff is a real challenge.

Every day with the ups and downs.

I had forgot about the call today, and just happened to make it back home for that time.

I was so excited that my commitment to my being committed showed up, uncounsiously even.

That was fantastic! I just moved right into that.

I even had time to complete what I wanted to have for my say on the call.

And then it turns into this all threatening big secret. Cost??

Every moment a choice, every choice has prices and benefits. It wasn't a fight.

It is something I have value in that I need. I reallly need this. Trying to hold everything all together. I can't do that for everyone, or anyone, just me. 

So leave me to do that. Stop attacking when I actually make the progress I want.

Breathe.

Matter of sending in the correct order and sending back the one I didn't actually want or order.

I need Denise.

Well I need lots of things.

Most are just going to have to wait for a bit.

Atleast last night went well.

Better than well.

I cannot believe I was willing seen in a bathing suit. And I wore that insanely hot and ridicilous costume. But it was fun. Shhhh. That's a secret though.

I did learn that swimming really helps with the burning feeling. Like putting  out the fire in my chest. That was very nice to know. I may have to find means and time and way to do more swimming.

I could get used to the no fire in that breast, without drugs. Wouldn't that be something.

Now today is a sickie day. I hate those.

I still have to show up and do everything anyway, so what's the point.

But here I am none the less.

Often harsh, always fair.

Never easy, Always worth it.

Present and accounted for

Being Gena.

Stollen thoughts...

Interesting to sit and ponder..
Actually truthfully just trying to thaw out a bit before going back outside -30. WHAT was I thinking.

Randomness picked up from to many movies ....
.... You see things that they should have done differently, little things that would have made a difference. One of those things I noticed was honesty. Being honest and open with what is on your mind helps bring things to the surface to be dealt with, talked about and worked through. By bringing up things, no matter how significant or minor, helps develop your partner’s view of you and how you perceive things as well as your view of your partner and how they see things. From that point, you are better able to understand each other, thus creating a productive, healthy, happy relationship. ....

- yeah right, if only.

Like any other feline I suspose, and I WOULD do almost anything for a prize....

Thought

You know what I find interesting.

I've spent hours, days and even weeks trying to find that client requested information.

I know where it was on the old machine...

I said I was going to get that done before I went to bed Tuesday

After that point of 'clarity' in the wee hours, I found it in all of 10 - maybe 15 minutes.

Interesting.

Still constant.

Me: A to Z

-Duality for just a bit –

Yeah thanks again for this one Lara. This took me days.
Though I did learn allot of your answers applied to me too. I knew I liked you.

A
- Available: Taken
- Age: 34
- Annoyance: Stupid drivers, Alberta weather, idiots in general, ignorance.
- Animal: Not currently unless you count the kids
- Actor: Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey

B
- Beer: None. Ever. Not even Root Beer
- Birthday/Birthplace: June 16 in Ft. McMurray Alberta
- Best Friends: Kim and Terri and Barb and...
- Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes
- Best feeling in the world: Seeing my kids for the first time after they were born
- Blind or Deaf: I don't want to be either
- Been in Love: Yes
- Been bitched out: Of course
- Been on stage?: Yes
- Been beaten up?: Yes
- Believe in yourself?: YES. Most of the time, well sometimes
- Believe in life on other planets: Yes
- Believe in miracles: Yes, mostly to others
- Believe in magic: like miracles, believe there are things I don't understand, that could be magic
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: Of course I still believe
- Believe in ghosts/spirits: Yes
- Believe in evolution: Yes

C
- Car: minivan
- Color: Black. True black. The blacker the better..
- Cried in school: Yes
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican: I like both so it depends on my mood
- Country to visit: Want to go to warm tropical places, and Switzerland, Scottland, England, Ireland and Africa
- Comedian: Jeff-fa Dun-ham

D
- Day or Night: depends on weather. Love watching stars and sunsets
- Dream vehicle: 1969 Red Corvette, or any Ferrari
- Danced: I love dancing
- Dance in the rain?: love it too.

E
- Eggs: Sunday breakfast?
- Eyes: chocolate brown
- Everyone has: two eyes?
- Ever failed a class?: Yes

F
- First crush: Jason Jolly. I was 4.
- Full name: Gena Marie Barrett Meyer
- First thoughts waking up: How much longer do I have?
- Food: Ribs and Steak and Chicken. I'm a meat eater for certain

G
- Greatest Fear: Losing one of my kids
- Goals: Be a great mom
- Gum: Sometimes
- Get along with your parents?: Now I do
- Good luck charm: kids?

H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: 5'6"
- Happy: When I'm playing with the kids, and they are happy
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: In my sleep
- Health Freak: Trying to be healthier. I know way more than I practice
- Hate: nothing really.
- Heart Broken/when/who?: no comment, but all good now

I
- Ice Cream: is another food group all by itself
- Instrument: flute and piano

J
- Jewelry: usually 2 rings, earrings and necklace
- Job: CFF and Mom

K
- Kids: Pride and joy
- Kickboxing or karate: Neither
- Keep a journal?: does blog count?

L
- Longest Car Ride: month long trip to Utah and then across the desert to California and back up west coast to BC and home. What was I thinking?
- Love: Complicated
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes...
- Love at first sight: Yes ... with my kids.

LAST PERSON WHO...
1. Slept in a bed beside you? Callista…she just wont stay in her bed, and my pillow.
2. Saw you cry? my mom
3. Went to the movies with you? my sisters.
4. You went to the mall with? Don't remember the last time I was a mall
5. You went to dinner with? don't know when I last did that either
6. You talked to on the phone? Mom
7. Made you laugh? Kids. always the kids. Laughter is often the only and best option
8. Made you cry? Havier
9. Broke your heart? Havier ... when he broke his foot.
10 You vented to about a boy? Sherry

M
- Milk flavor: 2%
- Movie: Gone With the Wind and My Fair Lady and Ferngully and Princess Bride and LBT
- Mooned anyone?: Not that I recall, painted someone the moon though
- Marriage?: Done that, yes
- Motion sickness?: YES
- Memory: Sometimes really good, other times I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on. Like a sieve. Or I could sum it up best as good but short.

N
- Number of Siblings: 6 sisters, 4 brothers
- Number of Piercings: One in each ear, done that three time though.
- Number: 7

O
- Overused Phrases: What the..?
- Odd phobia: spiders, falling, being left alone

P
- Place you'd like to live: Scotland
- Pizza: My mom's, or if bought then Bacon, Mushroom, and Pineapple
- Pepsi/Coke: neither really...I prefer water, Anything carbonated is like drinking the flu
- Person you miss: ;)

Q
- Quail: Little birds mostly bone right? Never had it.
- Quiet music or loud: Usually loud in the car...especially in the summer, driving. Alone, quiet is good, unless I'm in a mood

R
- Reason to cry: Stress and sadness
- Reality T.V: waste of time, life's to short
- Radio Station: varies with my mood. I do hate commercials though. Like my music.
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: Yep

S
- Song: Sunshine.
- Shoe size: Kids 4.5
- Salad Dressing: Italian
- Sushi: Love it!!!
- Scent: Fresh cut grass, smell of rain, and fresh bread, Fresh Sawdust is my favorite
- Skipped class: who's asking? If it's my kids, then of course not. Anyone else, but of course.
- Slept outside: Does in a tent count? I used to love camping. Out under the stars is awesome.
- Seen a dead body?: Yes, more than one
- Smoked?: nope. allergy.
- Skinny dipped?: Not that I recall. Never found water warm enough.
- Shower daily?: sometime twice
- Sing well?: depends who's listening
- In the shower?: sometimes, again depends who's listening
- Swear?: Not as much as I used to
- Stuffed Animals?: My kids collection is older than they are, does that say something
- Single/Group dates: Depends on the situation
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries any time anywhere, blueberries, only fresh
- Scientists need to invent: Teleportation Device!! Time travel??
- Sport: Hockey. C of Red.

T
- Time for bed: Usually around midnight
- Thunderstorms: Amazing. Especially shared.
- TV: Probably more than I should
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: No

U
- Unpredictable: Don't think so
- Used to play: drums?? Piano

V
- Vegetable you hate: Can't think of any
- Vegetable you love: Too many to list
- Vacation spot: Anywhere with family. Would love to do cruise someday, somewhere warm

W
- Weakness: I'm way too nice, have hard time saying no to wrong people at right time. That and the whole superwoman thing.
- When you grow up: I don't want to grow up!!
- Which one of your friends knows the most about you: ;)
- Who makes you laugh the most: life in general, but kids mostly
- Want to be a model?: Not if I have to be as skinny as a twig. Been there. Done that.
- Where do we go when we die: Die?? I don't think so.

X
-X-Rays: Too many...I think I might have radiation poisoning...lol

Y
-Year it is now: 2008...
-Yellow: Blech...not for me at all, but I do like sunshine .... that’s yellow, well more golden I guess.

Z
- Zoo animal: Panthera. Black.
- Zodiac sign: Gemini ... never mind

morning

I cannot believe last night. Two o'clock, What was I thinking?

Well thinking probably had very little to do with it.

I sure hope its done snowing for a few days. My shoulders are killing me.

Those spasms alone make it a long night. Never mind the sleeping patterns.

So he said no sports of any kind until January. Poor boy. Twelve and broken foot. Not fun.

So outside stuff either. He's probably going to miss skiing trip in January with the school.

Rough time of year to be hurt, I would know.

Moving things a long and feeling better about stuff, at least a little.

I still have no idea about the how's but guessing that's not the point.

Did get in touch with Denise, see if that doesn't shake some things lose.

Really want to start business, that whole wanna needa finda facilitator thing, just have no idea where to begin. CEO Space might have been a good start, just not enough time to look at it.

I'd do a RE deal or two to pull things together. But heart is just not in it. Last partnership didn't go so well. Want to work with new people, but I need to work with someone who can call me on my breakdown crap. That BS kick in the butt.

Should see what Danny up to lately. Maybe he has some ideas.

Well onto another interesting day....

Sewing at North side and then early to south side for snow removal and gassing the buses.

No rest for the ...

Kimberly -ism for my Monday

When in doubt, shake it up and keep it moving.

Like the lady said, What am I getting out of being overwhelmed?

Here's how to view every decision you've ever made: It was right. 
Here's how to view every path you've ever chosen: It was right. 
Here's how to view every trend, friend, and dance you've ever moved with: They were right. 
And here's how to view the fact that you even exist at all: "I" was totally on fire. 
    Love, GOD

How can I not

How can I not get or feel discouraged?

Look at what's stacked against me.

Only the first week of the month and I am already several grand behind.

Big stuff hasn't even happened yet, that's for this week.

I am back in the same damned place I swore would never happen again.

Yet here it is slapping me in the face, kicking my ass.

My poor Havier, did indeed break his foot last week. Three days he was sucking it up before they finally got through to me that it was actually broken. Bring him back to get it taken care of.

We did see the same doctor and she was very apologetic for what we'd been through all week long.

Poor kid. Now he's got drugs and a boot just like me.

Today I need to call the pediatric cast specialist at UofA and set that all in motion.

Should I have just taken him to the stollery to begin with?

That's where they end up sending us anyway. 

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I am out of options, out of resources, out of time, out of everything.

Somehow, I get to find a way to tell him I just cannot do TKD anymore. 

There is no way to make that work out.  Just not enough of what it would take to continue.

Christmas is just weeks away, and I can't even see that point.

It's going to be more about the spirit of the season anyway, cause I just don't have options for anything else.

I can't believe this AGAIN.....

I am going to find a way to do what I wanted to and felt I should do all those weeks ago before the crap hit the fan.

I am going to get a way to work with Denise. I need that support.

I have to do this. 

Yeah I get to choose the experience I want, but there is an awful lot in the way of that right now.

Human Again...

I noticed a few things in all the chaos of today.

It's like a normal normal day and I still showed up. Unprotected like.

It's hard to explain. It wasn't a sheltered day. It was full on experiencing.

And it was just absolutely perfect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvVOoCKjonY

I think it might serve me to make a list of wins I find in ground and center.

It is such an easy shift to find my way there now. Just enter the circle. Spinning blue within.

No one would ever get that, except maybe my Sandy but that's a given.

Most would just give me that long suffering look and smile. 

That's ok too.

I drove the car home with out any issues, in the snow and all. Smooth sailing.

Well no sailing, that would be bad with the ice out there.

Going to ground and center just makes it well ... IS

It just is.

And it's great.

The new coats came in, just in time for cold.

And Tina showing me how to do the embroidery.

I have a new skill now. I did a couple.

Second day wearing it, and I so love it. I don't have to wear six layers to stay warm driving anymore.

That rocks!

tomorrow is final class to graduate. AND I booked a one on one just in case

I would at least like to say I did my best and I tried.

Realistically I may not graduate this time - yet again - and that's ok.

As long as I did my best.

Game night tomorrow too. Whoo hoo. I may actually get to listen to a game after all.

All in all a rather nice chaotic, perfect, and busy day.

Now itsofftobedigo.

Well lie down anyway.

Some people play to win I don't play.

Shake my Head... and laugh

I cannot believe today already. I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday with my chest on FIRE. It didn't get any better. After the ER trip last night, I knew I needed a really good night sleep. I did the nutritional thing to help and then I used my drugs It's been awhile and I am down to the last few doses. I do NOT want to get more. I wanted to be past this point. I took the pills and went to bed - judgement and all. Within in seconds of hitting the pillow I was out. And I slept solid until 6:40. That in itself is a miracle. A solid good sleep. I was up before seven and started on baking. Recleaned the kitchen for an hour and then started three batches of bread. He went to get me more four cause I forgot yesterday. I dropped my cell phone into the bread dough, before I added the flour. So no phone for me today. And I will now be getting a new phone. Done cookies that burnt the first batch cause the oven had been on for an hour and was a wee bit to hot. Did batch of buns, when I took out the pan I burnt my hand and dropped the pan on the counter, which was wet and the pan promptly shattered. My favorite glass pan broken again. The burning hot broken glass landed on my foot. So now I have a burnt foot too. It is some day. And its only 10. Land sakes alive it is going to a lonnnng day. But I still have a smile. When life takes a dip down this way, all you can do is laugh. Laughing and shaking my head.

Suffering in Silence

I am noticing the part of my CC superwoman thing I have going on also involves the silence is golden while hording all the misery.

Suffering in silence.

I've been barely holding on all day. Feeling like just keeping together.

So many things that I just don't know where to turn or where to start.

Sleep is going to be one of them, so I can get up early and bake for them.

That is a must.

Our conversation, or fragments I guess, from the other day is really bugging me.

That he has regrets.

I don't have any. I'm sad about some of the choices I made, but I don't have any regrets. Life is to short for that.

But here I learn that after all this time, he still does. The same ones.

And he wonders still what it would be like if he had just walked away. How much better and different it would be. 

The school thing came up too.

He has regrets. How am I not going to make that about me?

It is exactly all about me. 

He regrets still the choice he made to stay. What is he still doing here then?

Does that make it only a matter of time?

I can't fix that. But it's still hard to hear just the same.

One more thing...

I'm late, I'm late....

Thirty minutes with the glee clulb is putting be way behind today.

BUT feeling pretty darn good.

Makes up for loss last night and the fire that set in again.

Waking up at three and six wasn't all that welcome. No not true.

I was wide awake and happy, so couldn't have been all that bad

Tired now though.

Way behind.

That reminds me, need to get more triple A's.

The remotes' dead too.

Onto another wintery day...

It's Tuesday

I am noticing more and more just how much of a good tool being in ground and center really is.

How it truly serves me to do and be so.

I drove the car home tonight in the snow, without issues, problems or stalling.

I even picked up S from girls activity.

Just by remembering that stand.

Cool huh.

I talked to Danny today, coming from that stand and it was like old time all over again.

I even recognized the difference with Darren's seminar last night and what Danny does.

They are huge. And small at the same time.

Darren is all about selling the latest project, and they aren't even all that spectacular. Even I have better deals. But they are atleast in right areas.

I found it interesting to notice

I am the one who stands beside you  and I'll never let you fall.

Winter is here to stay I think. And holiday's are now now upon us.

With him gone this weekend, I still think I take the five to nativity exhibits and do the tree thing.

They really want stuff to sell at craft and bake sale this week, I suppose if this is their Christmas campaign I should step up to that. Cinnamon buns are always popular there. We shall see.

I want to get those lights up this year. They've been sitting in the garage for three years now, I think that's plenty. Guess I am just going to have to learn how to do that now aren't I?

If it's going to happen, if it is to be, it is up to me.

I feel the shifting around me. The excitement.

And right now all I can feel is tired. 

I am still so amazed and thrilled by what I did this weekend.

Not liking so much how I looked, but WOW.

I showed up in a very big way and it was phenomenal!!

I am Gena.

Updating late

I wanted to update earlier, but just so tired this weekend.

It was amazing, just like I thought And just like I thought, not what I thought it would be.

Six of us competed, and achieved eight medals. I won a silver. Me. In sparring no less.

- ok that's a story for another day-

Monday. Here I am hiding and avoiding facing today. Kim called - actually we're talking right not honestly. I knew it was coming. I thought about not answering. I don't want to go there either. 

This is all about possibility. If it comes to you it is meant to come through you.

I see that. Accountability, often harsh, always harsh.

More targeting coming into play here. She is always moving in where and when I need her to be. Going along on her own path, oddly enough parallel again to my own. This is all about that wanna needa finda thing I keep seeing.

It calls me into action, calls me into play. Calls me forward or shuts me down.

She and I are so parallel it is not even funny.

I DONT KNOW how or what to do.

One step after confusion is enlightenment. It is absolutely of to be confused when you give up your own resistance to that enlightenment will come.

Just drive. Even if you go all the way off, there is always a way back. Always. Even in the middle of nowhere. There is always a way. Often harsh, always fair.

The universe is always fair. 

You do what you have been told to do. Just do it.

She is so powerful. Just coming into her full potential. Single now with her six girls. And I am seeing mine also. It's so hard and so scary. And so unknown.

If I go to my investors to support her, it means facing my own accountability.

No matter how lost you may think you are, or how far away you are from where you want to be, there is always a way. You are never alone. Ever.

The straight and narrow is dark and not well travelled, it is not a six lane highway. Never get off the path you have been told to do. Those others you see are not aiming for the same destination you are.

I needed to think bigger again, she needed the same. I make a difference, I believe.

- Just Keep Moving...