A Woman's Tear----wow

Why Women Cry�   ����������� A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?'�'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.� 'I don't understand,' he said.� His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'� Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'� 'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.� The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.� Finally he put in a call to God.� When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?' �� God said:� 'When I made the woman she had to be special.'� 'I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,� yet gentle enough to give comfort.'� 'I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.'� 'I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.'� 'I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.'� 'I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.� 'I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.'� 'And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.'� 'This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'� 'That tear holds more then men could understand.'  'If a man was to shed her tear it  would look�enormous.'  ��  'For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power, sacrifice, beauty, pain and compassion.'  'All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel.'  'And that is my son,�why I made�her as close to being Supernatural.'  'She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth.' ''Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on�Earth�that will Love you like I do then your Mother.' 'You see my son,' said God, 'The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.'� The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'� ���������

Tears with reason??

So other than just getting the wits scared out me by a sneaking twelve year old.

I'm sitting here listening to music as loud as I can letting unknown tears run down my face.

Killers. Foo Fighters. Muse. Seethers.

All as loud as I can over and over; crying.

Can't yet tell if its cleansing cry or what.

I did get word on MTB. Looks like plea has been reached.

Leaves there in less than a month.

About 10-12 years in max.

Good I suppose.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Melancholy kind of feeling.

I am not where I wanted to be in this moment. Not at all.

And yet I stay in all this resistance so I can keep getting what I want from it.

More evidence to support the story I made up about harsh and complexity.

Strength and stability. Why never both. How come it is I choose one or the other.

Again more evidence to support my story.

It is so time for a new story.

Why Killers are bringing on tears is a mystery to me.

Whatever triggers I guess. When need it you need it.

Did get swimming in again today. That makes day three.

I am so glad to have someone to do this with. I'm taking me back.

Thinking about GARC at nighttime. In the summer it'd be nice to run there and back.

Course that means getting an ipod and music then too...

We shall see.

After that I was going to do resume, but didn't

Did get my eyebrows done again though.

New Year's is at mom's without mom.

Sisters and kids hanging out. As long as they're happy and I get to see the game it's all good.

I think maybe it might be time for bed now.

That was an early morning and I am really tired.

Feel like bug is creeping bag in for another attack too.

Hey at rebounder moment might help with that.

Bottom of the pile?

How is it that today I feel like i'm on the bottom of the dung pile?

I want what comes from ground and centered, yet it's not easy to stay there.

Deep breath and find it again.

What was that about 99% course corrections.

Listening to that song play, wishing I could play that; have that outlet. And at the same time so glad she can.

Now our talks appear to be done. And they should be, right?

I did get to swimming again today. That's twice. It wasn't long and it wasn't early morning, but it was a start.

Today seemed to be alot harder though. Harder to move, less endurance, harder to breathe. And felt it way more. My butt and hips hurt.

And my arms. But i'll take it, if this helps me melt off all that excess, i'll do anything.

I am reclaiming myself. I will do what it necessary to do that.

Even early morning swimming.

I thougth about going back tonight, but just to much to do.

I could even go to GARC for workout, or Kinsmen too.

Options.

And I intend to use them.

It's also nice to have a friend to come along with me. I need more friends.

That whole target thing.

There is a shift in the wind, a changing of something. 

Like holding your breath before opening a door. Inhale, and let it out.

It's end of the old and beginning of the new.

This has not been the happiest of years, but worth it all? Absolutely.

And for the discovery I made I'd repeat it all in a heartbeat.

If it comes to you, it is meant to come through you.

I need to decide. I really want to start a business.

I really don't know where to begin.

And yet I have to make a choice on how I am going to get things handled.

Is it going back into retail? TKD is winding down. What are my options.

I am against the wall and it's time to go over. 

Over and up.

Onward.

To the new.

If how to's were enough...

How do you reconnect to something you don't even know if you want to be connected to?
Sounds like a complex confusing and complicated question.

I want more.
I am sick -litteraly today- and tired - also literally at this time of day- of where I am stuck at agian.
Nikita has been calling, Shaking my tree.
Is it enough?
Enough to pull yet another rabbit out of my hat in mere days
Only if I can somehow get out my own resistance and go into action.

I'm not seeing a whole lot of that going on.
Yet what other option do I have. I have to take care of what is mine
And that is not happening with the current state of affairs.

Sigh.

How can I?
What if ... Up??

Randomness - WOW

I need to do better at putting some of these thoughts down before they evaporate from my mind, lost for good.

Today has been a most interesting day. Up and down and all over.

Some one called the CB yesterday. That was unexpected. 

Well no first I there was a Christmas card in my mailbox this morning with a surprise. 

Just what I needed to do stockings.

Then I had to go pick up from CB. That was way beyond what I could have imagined. I thought just a bit of stuff, maybe a little something for each of them.

No it's boxes and 7 huge bags of stuff.

And an envelope for me. 

I just sobbed, literally, for awhile. Every time I thought I had a handle on it, it would start up again.

How do you show sufficient gratitude for something like that?

I could never say it enough.

And yet the kindness of strangers astounds me.

A woman whom I just met, knew my heart and hugged me with love and warmth.

I cried alot. On way home I had to pull over I was crying so hard.

WOW.

Then Chocolates from my friend, with her card that made me cry. It was just paint and walls to me, the need to help a true friend in need. To her apparently so much more. Again WOW.

I came back, got stuff sorted out and some put away. Lots to go through tomorrow - well OK later today. Deciding to check my email, and low and behold what do I find. Not one, but two messages from Her. WOW. That girl looks amazing. She looks more and more like me all the time. How did that happen? Not what I expected to say the very least.

To passing that along and sharing. Another WOW.

This is first year we've talked at this time of year. How did that happen?

Did the name thing with them and then the lovely challenge of shopping together. Turns out someone got slippers for grandma, not grandpa. So got to get that taken of. And somehow missed two people entirely.

Good thing open 24hrs. I can't decide if I want to go out now when I'm beat or in the morning when I'm tired and it's insane. Christmas Eve. I wasn't going to go shopping today.

It's been a rather full day. Oh yeah there was that package delivered to wrong house, that an unknown neighbour returned. That was something.

It led to opportunity to discuss the belief and existence of Santa. My 12 year old settling on the fact that Santa merely represents the spirit of Christmas - the giving. And that there are indeed miracles all around.

And we won the game tonight. That was nicest of all.

Yes today was a very full day indeed.

Wonder how I'm going to get last of presents finished in time?

Guess what?

I am never alone. I am always loved.

I am passionate, joyful and a responsible woman.

Wow

Conversation with Alison to mirror Denise, reflecting me.

I am at choice

love 

marriage

relationships

always at choice.

its not good bad right wrong

moment I engage in resistance balance is off.

win/win.

do whatever it takes to keep you safe and your opponent safe also.

don't absorb what's coming at me. bend and flow. and be.

not what I think it looks like

Come from I. This is my journey. instead of sitting and decaying.

if how to's were enough...

intention = results.

intention always works.

not either or . its both and.

24hrs.

When you're there, you are there.

It's still amazing to me all of this.

Two Klemmer emails to re-inforce and remind - offsetting those other three R's

And two phone calls. One much needed conversation. Tears included.

It doesn't have to be what I'm afraid it could be or might mean.

It can be whatever I want it to look like. I want abundance.

From that simple and yet astounding kindness of strangers yesterday in small kinds acts that were so huge for me. To this.

THIS.

Oh yes I can.  Who I am to be small? Who am I to dare to be big? Who am I not.

If you can dream it, you can make it happen.

If it comes to you, it was ment to come through you.

One step at a time.

Remember it is not malicious it is just uncousious. 

And how I do anything is how I do everything.

Every moment a choice, every choice has prices and benefits.

Well nearly there

Breakdown.

If I am going to that breakthrough I intend to have, first going to need to allow the breakdown.

Today I am pretty damned close.

All full of tears and everything.

If I can..

No.

When I push passed this and through this....

I've got everything else pretty much covered. All the big things I already know.

Just this one left, it isn't even a big thing. And yet that is exactly what I am making it into.

It is never about the money.

I hate flannel. I hate Flannel sheets. They're hot,and itchy and irritating.

Yet what's on my bed? Flannel sheets.

Means I have to sleep in PJ's just so I won't have to feel that on my skin.

Sigh.

Not much of being myself there now is there.

Marcel sent me another email.

Dammit! I wanted to be in Costa Rica this year.

I don't care about all the other stuff in the way. I wanted to do that.

I worked hard, but not hard enough for long enough.

And not enough to make up for anyone else either.

Sigh.

It's Tuesday.

I think I need a hug.

Never gets any easier.

This whole being myself stuff is a real challenge.

Every day with the ups and downs.

I had forgot about the call today, and just happened to make it back home for that time.

I was so excited that my commitment to my being committed showed up, uncounsiously even.

That was fantastic! I just moved right into that.

I even had time to complete what I wanted to have for my say on the call.

And then it turns into this all threatening big secret. Cost??

Every moment a choice, every choice has prices and benefits. It wasn't a fight.

It is something I have value in that I need. I reallly need this. Trying to hold everything all together. I can't do that for everyone, or anyone, just me. 

So leave me to do that. Stop attacking when I actually make the progress I want.

Breathe.

Matter of sending in the correct order and sending back the one I didn't actually want or order.

I need Denise.

Well I need lots of things.

Most are just going to have to wait for a bit.

Atleast last night went well.

Better than well.

I cannot believe I was willing seen in a bathing suit. And I wore that insanely hot and ridicilous costume. But it was fun. Shhhh. That's a secret though.

I did learn that swimming really helps with the burning feeling. Like putting  out the fire in my chest. That was very nice to know. I may have to find means and time and way to do more swimming.

I could get used to the no fire in that breast, without drugs. Wouldn't that be something.

Now today is a sickie day. I hate those.

I still have to show up and do everything anyway, so what's the point.

But here I am none the less.

Often harsh, always fair.

Never easy, Always worth it.

Present and accounted for

Being Gena.

Stollen thoughts...

Interesting to sit and ponder..
Actually truthfully just trying to thaw out a bit before going back outside -30. WHAT was I thinking.

Randomness picked up from to many movies ....
.... You see things that they should have done differently, little things that would have made a difference. One of those things I noticed was honesty. Being honest and open with what is on your mind helps bring things to the surface to be dealt with, talked about and worked through. By bringing up things, no matter how significant or minor, helps develop your partner’s view of you and how you perceive things as well as your view of your partner and how they see things. From that point, you are better able to understand each other, thus creating a productive, healthy, happy relationship. ....

- yeah right, if only.

Like any other feline I suspose, and I WOULD do almost anything for a prize....

Thought

You know what I find interesting.

I've spent hours, days and even weeks trying to find that client requested information.

I know where it was on the old machine...

I said I was going to get that done before I went to bed Tuesday

After that point of 'clarity' in the wee hours, I found it in all of 10 - maybe 15 minutes.

Interesting.

Still constant.

Me: A to Z

-Duality for just a bit –

Yeah thanks again for this one Lara. This took me days.
Though I did learn allot of your answers applied to me too. I knew I liked you.

A
- Available: Taken
- Age: 34
- Annoyance: Stupid drivers, Alberta weather, idiots in general, ignorance.
- Animal: Not currently unless you count the kids
- Actor: Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey

B
- Beer: None. Ever. Not even Root Beer
- Birthday/Birthplace: June 16 in Ft. McMurray Alberta
- Best Friends: Kim and Terri and Barb and...
- Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes
- Best feeling in the world: Seeing my kids for the first time after they were born
- Blind or Deaf: I don't want to be either
- Been in Love: Yes
- Been bitched out: Of course
- Been on stage?: Yes
- Been beaten up?: Yes
- Believe in yourself?: YES. Most of the time, well sometimes
- Believe in life on other planets: Yes
- Believe in miracles: Yes, mostly to others
- Believe in magic: like miracles, believe there are things I don't understand, that could be magic
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: Of course I still believe
- Believe in ghosts/spirits: Yes
- Believe in evolution: Yes

C
- Car: minivan
- Color: Black. True black. The blacker the better..
- Cried in school: Yes
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican: I like both so it depends on my mood
- Country to visit: Want to go to warm tropical places, and Switzerland, Scottland, England, Ireland and Africa
- Comedian: Jeff-fa Dun-ham

D
- Day or Night: depends on weather. Love watching stars and sunsets
- Dream vehicle: 1969 Red Corvette, or any Ferrari
- Danced: I love dancing
- Dance in the rain?: love it too.

E
- Eggs: Sunday breakfast?
- Eyes: chocolate brown
- Everyone has: two eyes?
- Ever failed a class?: Yes

F
- First crush: Jason Jolly. I was 4.
- Full name: Gena Marie Barrett Meyer
- First thoughts waking up: How much longer do I have?
- Food: Ribs and Steak and Chicken. I'm a meat eater for certain

G
- Greatest Fear: Losing one of my kids
- Goals: Be a great mom
- Gum: Sometimes
- Get along with your parents?: Now I do
- Good luck charm: kids?

H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: 5'6"
- Happy: When I'm playing with the kids, and they are happy
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: In my sleep
- Health Freak: Trying to be healthier. I know way more than I practice
- Hate: nothing really.
- Heart Broken/when/who?: no comment, but all good now

I
- Ice Cream: is another food group all by itself
- Instrument: flute and piano

J
- Jewelry: usually 2 rings, earrings and necklace
- Job: CFF and Mom

K
- Kids: Pride and joy
- Kickboxing or karate: Neither
- Keep a journal?: does blog count?

L
- Longest Car Ride: month long trip to Utah and then across the desert to California and back up west coast to BC and home. What was I thinking?
- Love: Complicated
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes...
- Love at first sight: Yes ... with my kids.

LAST PERSON WHO...
1. Slept in a bed beside you? Callista…she just wont stay in her bed, and my pillow.
2. Saw you cry? my mom
3. Went to the movies with you? my sisters.
4. You went to the mall with? Don't remember the last time I was a mall
5. You went to dinner with? don't know when I last did that either
6. You talked to on the phone? Mom
7. Made you laugh? Kids. always the kids. Laughter is often the only and best option
8. Made you cry? Havier
9. Broke your heart? Havier ... when he broke his foot.
10 You vented to about a boy? Sherry

M
- Milk flavor: 2%
- Movie: Gone With the Wind and My Fair Lady and Ferngully and Princess Bride and LBT
- Mooned anyone?: Not that I recall, painted someone the moon though
- Marriage?: Done that, yes
- Motion sickness?: YES
- Memory: Sometimes really good, other times I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on. Like a sieve. Or I could sum it up best as good but short.

N
- Number of Siblings: 6 sisters, 4 brothers
- Number of Piercings: One in each ear, done that three time though.
- Number: 7

O
- Overused Phrases: What the..?
- Odd phobia: spiders, falling, being left alone

P
- Place you'd like to live: Scotland
- Pizza: My mom's, or if bought then Bacon, Mushroom, and Pineapple
- Pepsi/Coke: neither really...I prefer water, Anything carbonated is like drinking the flu
- Person you miss: ;)

Q
- Quail: Little birds mostly bone right? Never had it.
- Quiet music or loud: Usually loud in the car...especially in the summer, driving. Alone, quiet is good, unless I'm in a mood

R
- Reason to cry: Stress and sadness
- Reality T.V: waste of time, life's to short
- Radio Station: varies with my mood. I do hate commercials though. Like my music.
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: Yep

S
- Song: Sunshine.
- Shoe size: Kids 4.5
- Salad Dressing: Italian
- Sushi: Love it!!!
- Scent: Fresh cut grass, smell of rain, and fresh bread, Fresh Sawdust is my favorite
- Skipped class: who's asking? If it's my kids, then of course not. Anyone else, but of course.
- Slept outside: Does in a tent count? I used to love camping. Out under the stars is awesome.
- Seen a dead body?: Yes, more than one
- Smoked?: nope. allergy.
- Skinny dipped?: Not that I recall. Never found water warm enough.
- Shower daily?: sometime twice
- Sing well?: depends who's listening
- In the shower?: sometimes, again depends who's listening
- Swear?: Not as much as I used to
- Stuffed Animals?: My kids collection is older than they are, does that say something
- Single/Group dates: Depends on the situation
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries any time anywhere, blueberries, only fresh
- Scientists need to invent: Teleportation Device!! Time travel??
- Sport: Hockey. C of Red.

T
- Time for bed: Usually around midnight
- Thunderstorms: Amazing. Especially shared.
- TV: Probably more than I should
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: No

U
- Unpredictable: Don't think so
- Used to play: drums?? Piano

V
- Vegetable you hate: Can't think of any
- Vegetable you love: Too many to list
- Vacation spot: Anywhere with family. Would love to do cruise someday, somewhere warm

W
- Weakness: I'm way too nice, have hard time saying no to wrong people at right time. That and the whole superwoman thing.
- When you grow up: I don't want to grow up!!
- Which one of your friends knows the most about you: ;)
- Who makes you laugh the most: life in general, but kids mostly
- Want to be a model?: Not if I have to be as skinny as a twig. Been there. Done that.
- Where do we go when we die: Die?? I don't think so.

X
-X-Rays: Too many...I think I might have radiation poisoning...lol

Y
-Year it is now: 2008...
-Yellow: Blech...not for me at all, but I do like sunshine .... that’s yellow, well more golden I guess.

Z
- Zoo animal: Panthera. Black.
- Zodiac sign: Gemini ... never mind

morning

I cannot believe last night. Two o'clock, What was I thinking?

Well thinking probably had very little to do with it.

I sure hope its done snowing for a few days. My shoulders are killing me.

Those spasms alone make it a long night. Never mind the sleeping patterns.

So he said no sports of any kind until January. Poor boy. Twelve and broken foot. Not fun.

So outside stuff either. He's probably going to miss skiing trip in January with the school.

Rough time of year to be hurt, I would know.

Moving things a long and feeling better about stuff, at least a little.

I still have no idea about the how's but guessing that's not the point.

Did get in touch with Denise, see if that doesn't shake some things lose.

Really want to start business, that whole wanna needa finda facilitator thing, just have no idea where to begin. CEO Space might have been a good start, just not enough time to look at it.

I'd do a RE deal or two to pull things together. But heart is just not in it. Last partnership didn't go so well. Want to work with new people, but I need to work with someone who can call me on my breakdown crap. That BS kick in the butt.

Should see what Danny up to lately. Maybe he has some ideas.

Well onto another interesting day....

Sewing at North side and then early to south side for snow removal and gassing the buses.

No rest for the ...

Kimberly -ism for my Monday

When in doubt, shake it up and keep it moving.

Like the lady said, What am I getting out of being overwhelmed?

Here's how to view every decision you've ever made: It was right. 
Here's how to view every path you've ever chosen: It was right. 
Here's how to view every trend, friend, and dance you've ever moved with: They were right. 
And here's how to view the fact that you even exist at all: "I" was totally on fire. 
    Love, GOD

How can I not

How can I not get or feel discouraged?

Look at what's stacked against me.

Only the first week of the month and I am already several grand behind.

Big stuff hasn't even happened yet, that's for this week.

I am back in the same damned place I swore would never happen again.

Yet here it is slapping me in the face, kicking my ass.

My poor Havier, did indeed break his foot last week. Three days he was sucking it up before they finally got through to me that it was actually broken. Bring him back to get it taken care of.

We did see the same doctor and she was very apologetic for what we'd been through all week long.

Poor kid. Now he's got drugs and a boot just like me.

Today I need to call the pediatric cast specialist at UofA and set that all in motion.

Should I have just taken him to the stollery to begin with?

That's where they end up sending us anyway. 

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I am out of options, out of resources, out of time, out of everything.

Somehow, I get to find a way to tell him I just cannot do TKD anymore. 

There is no way to make that work out.  Just not enough of what it would take to continue.

Christmas is just weeks away, and I can't even see that point.

It's going to be more about the spirit of the season anyway, cause I just don't have options for anything else.

I can't believe this AGAIN.....

I am going to find a way to do what I wanted to and felt I should do all those weeks ago before the crap hit the fan.

I am going to get a way to work with Denise. I need that support.

I have to do this. 

Yeah I get to choose the experience I want, but there is an awful lot in the way of that right now.

Human Again...

I noticed a few things in all the chaos of today.

It's like a normal normal day and I still showed up. Unprotected like.

It's hard to explain. It wasn't a sheltered day. It was full on experiencing.

And it was just absolutely perfect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvVOoCKjonY

I think it might serve me to make a list of wins I find in ground and center.

It is such an easy shift to find my way there now. Just enter the circle. Spinning blue within.

No one would ever get that, except maybe my Sandy but that's a given.

Most would just give me that long suffering look and smile. 

That's ok too.

I drove the car home with out any issues, in the snow and all. Smooth sailing.

Well no sailing, that would be bad with the ice out there.

Going to ground and center just makes it well ... IS

It just is.

And it's great.

The new coats came in, just in time for cold.

And Tina showing me how to do the embroidery.

I have a new skill now. I did a couple.

Second day wearing it, and I so love it. I don't have to wear six layers to stay warm driving anymore.

That rocks!

tomorrow is final class to graduate. AND I booked a one on one just in case

I would at least like to say I did my best and I tried.

Realistically I may not graduate this time - yet again - and that's ok.

As long as I did my best.

Game night tomorrow too. Whoo hoo. I may actually get to listen to a game after all.

All in all a rather nice chaotic, perfect, and busy day.

Now itsofftobedigo.

Well lie down anyway.

Some people play to win I don't play.

Shake my Head... and laugh

I cannot believe today already. I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday with my chest on FIRE. It didn't get any better. After the ER trip last night, I knew I needed a really good night sleep. I did the nutritional thing to help and then I used my drugs It's been awhile and I am down to the last few doses. I do NOT want to get more. I wanted to be past this point. I took the pills and went to bed - judgement and all. Within in seconds of hitting the pillow I was out. And I slept solid until 6:40. That in itself is a miracle. A solid good sleep. I was up before seven and started on baking. Recleaned the kitchen for an hour and then started three batches of bread. He went to get me more four cause I forgot yesterday. I dropped my cell phone into the bread dough, before I added the flour. So no phone for me today. And I will now be getting a new phone. Done cookies that burnt the first batch cause the oven had been on for an hour and was a wee bit to hot. Did batch of buns, when I took out the pan I burnt my hand and dropped the pan on the counter, which was wet and the pan promptly shattered. My favorite glass pan broken again. The burning hot broken glass landed on my foot. So now I have a burnt foot too. It is some day. And its only 10. Land sakes alive it is going to a lonnnng day. But I still have a smile. When life takes a dip down this way, all you can do is laugh. Laughing and shaking my head.

Suffering in Silence

I am noticing the part of my CC superwoman thing I have going on also involves the silence is golden while hording all the misery.

Suffering in silence.

I've been barely holding on all day. Feeling like just keeping together.

So many things that I just don't know where to turn or where to start.

Sleep is going to be one of them, so I can get up early and bake for them.

That is a must.

Our conversation, or fragments I guess, from the other day is really bugging me.

That he has regrets.

I don't have any. I'm sad about some of the choices I made, but I don't have any regrets. Life is to short for that.

But here I learn that after all this time, he still does. The same ones.

And he wonders still what it would be like if he had just walked away. How much better and different it would be. 

The school thing came up too.

He has regrets. How am I not going to make that about me?

It is exactly all about me. 

He regrets still the choice he made to stay. What is he still doing here then?

Does that make it only a matter of time?

I can't fix that. But it's still hard to hear just the same.

One more thing...

I'm late, I'm late....

Thirty minutes with the glee clulb is putting be way behind today.

BUT feeling pretty darn good.

Makes up for loss last night and the fire that set in again.

Waking up at three and six wasn't all that welcome. No not true.

I was wide awake and happy, so couldn't have been all that bad

Tired now though.

Way behind.

That reminds me, need to get more triple A's.

The remotes' dead too.

Onto another wintery day...

It's Tuesday

I am noticing more and more just how much of a good tool being in ground and center really is.

How it truly serves me to do and be so.

I drove the car home tonight in the snow, without issues, problems or stalling.

I even picked up S from girls activity.

Just by remembering that stand.

Cool huh.

I talked to Danny today, coming from that stand and it was like old time all over again.

I even recognized the difference with Darren's seminar last night and what Danny does.

They are huge. And small at the same time.

Darren is all about selling the latest project, and they aren't even all that spectacular. Even I have better deals. But they are atleast in right areas.

I found it interesting to notice

I am the one who stands beside you  and I'll never let you fall.

Winter is here to stay I think. And holiday's are now now upon us.

With him gone this weekend, I still think I take the five to nativity exhibits and do the tree thing.

They really want stuff to sell at craft and bake sale this week, I suppose if this is their Christmas campaign I should step up to that. Cinnamon buns are always popular there. We shall see.

I want to get those lights up this year. They've been sitting in the garage for three years now, I think that's plenty. Guess I am just going to have to learn how to do that now aren't I?

If it's going to happen, if it is to be, it is up to me.

I feel the shifting around me. The excitement.

And right now all I can feel is tired. 

I am still so amazed and thrilled by what I did this weekend.

Not liking so much how I looked, but WOW.

I showed up in a very big way and it was phenomenal!!

I am Gena.

Updating late

I wanted to update earlier, but just so tired this weekend.

It was amazing, just like I thought And just like I thought, not what I thought it would be.

Six of us competed, and achieved eight medals. I won a silver. Me. In sparring no less.

- ok that's a story for another day-

Monday. Here I am hiding and avoiding facing today. Kim called - actually we're talking right not honestly. I knew it was coming. I thought about not answering. I don't want to go there either. 

This is all about possibility. If it comes to you it is meant to come through you.

I see that. Accountability, often harsh, always harsh.

More targeting coming into play here. She is always moving in where and when I need her to be. Going along on her own path, oddly enough parallel again to my own. This is all about that wanna needa finda thing I keep seeing.

It calls me into action, calls me into play. Calls me forward or shuts me down.

She and I are so parallel it is not even funny.

I DONT KNOW how or what to do.

One step after confusion is enlightenment. It is absolutely of to be confused when you give up your own resistance to that enlightenment will come.

Just drive. Even if you go all the way off, there is always a way back. Always. Even in the middle of nowhere. There is always a way. Often harsh, always fair.

The universe is always fair. 

You do what you have been told to do. Just do it.

She is so powerful. Just coming into her full potential. Single now with her six girls. And I am seeing mine also. It's so hard and so scary. And so unknown.

If I go to my investors to support her, it means facing my own accountability.

No matter how lost you may think you are, or how far away you are from where you want to be, there is always a way. You are never alone. Ever.

The straight and narrow is dark and not well travelled, it is not a six lane highway. Never get off the path you have been told to do. Those others you see are not aiming for the same destination you are.

I needed to think bigger again, she needed the same. I make a difference, I believe.

- Just Keep Moving...

Before

Just a quick note before everything happens all at once.

Today is starting quiet, but anticipation is building.

Been listening to Landon Pigg all morning.

Tonight I am doing DD. Making it a fun friday.

Then I will be hanging with my five around dozens and dozens of Black Belts.

I am the computer lady. Watching all those guys kick some major booty.

What I want to do in a few years. Can you imagine me testing for BB?

Secretly it's what I have been wanting to say and do for years. Like the Nascar thing.

Look at me being Gena.

This is the before. I know it'll be some weekend, but I am not totally sure what that looks like.

BB tonight will keep me there until nearly midnight. What am I going to do with my babies until midnight? Then Saturday is our turn. Well after BB finish in the morning. We go after lunchtime.

Sunday is festival of trees and demo. But thankfully, no competing for me. I am going to be so tired by the end of all of this.

Would be so cool to have people to cheer us on, but we'll just have to cheer each other.

To before, moving towards after.

I won't be the same the next time i get a chance to write.

That much I do know .....

Thursdays

Well one more day to go, and then it all begins.

I still think I must be crazy for stepping into this. Leading by example, what was I thinking?

Found a song I liked today that fits my mood

I'll be sad to finish this book, mostly cause it's an unfinished story.

She's a good author.

We the RS tonight, just for a bit.

It reafirmed that I have what I need in the face of all this is to come.

I am now ready for things to unfold.

Like waiting to breathe again.

All will be well. I can let go; of it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQO7IUrqXqY

Mid Week

Well I'd have to say this has been a rather good day.

Still confronted by all that stuff, but in action and intention today.

I came to, or rather they came to me, some realizations today. Whether real or just in my brain, I'm ok with.

Life it going to unfold, and I don't know what keeps coming at me, but I don't have to either.

I am here. I know what I know. I feel what I feel. And I am who I am. All of it good. In every way.

No matter what anyone else has to say or grouch about it.

I decided to see about a date with Brb tonight. She and I haven't had hardly any time together in ages; months really. We went out to a movie, some Abba thing. It was a ton of fun, Nothing the boys would have come a

long for. A great night together.

Tonight was also my second adult TKD class. I remembered my rank pattern, but not my competition pattern. NOT good considering that was the last class before the competition.

Sigh. I had it down before class. Gonna keep doing. It is not a try my best it is a do my best.

Rule number one, protect yourself. Rule number two, score points.

Do my best. It's not nearly as bad as some of us think. It's alot of fun. That's what I have to remember. 

Still to bad he's gone this weekend. Won't see any of us. Me all leading by example and everything. I must be out of my flippin' mind.

It is going to be one ver

y long weekend. Festival of Trees Sunday AM. I am not doing competion Sunday afternoon. I have a feeling by then I am going to be absolutely dead on my feet tired.

I am who I am. Look at me!

Look out world here I come...

A Must

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. 

You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

. . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt, Former First Lady

Testing Tuesdays

I am just getting home now!

Good grief. I used to have nights like this and later. I am so glad that is not the norm anymore.

I have to much life to live.

It was ok for tonight.

This is the scary weekend coming up. I had that first class last night. Plan is to get to others this week in prep for Nationals. AND then next week to make it to Grad.

I am not going to be yellow stripe for another year.

It seems to be another plan to stay in action out there in motion.

Kim has business plan she needs support with. I would do anything for her, means I'd have to step up in the face of all that is in front of me...

Well.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, 
  but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”             ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

My poor toshie

Tonight was my very first ADULT TKD class.

Managed to speak up and re-work that schedule weeks ago to get to this point, but other things just kept getting in the way.

After out Klemmer group call today, I realized it I want it I have to take a stand on it.

So I did.

Kids got home, I got to class.

I figured since I am competing this weekend, I really needed to get some adult classes in.

In DD class my standing is a little different. In the normal class I am bottom of the totem. Single stripe with no stripes. Pushups, situps, mountain climbers, bumbups. Fitness in this class is at a whole new level.

My toshie is killing me. Oh man to I hurt!!

But it's a good hurt. At least that's what I am telling myself tonight.

Tomorrow may be an entirely different story.

I want THAT.

So I have to what is necessary to get to THAT.

Shifting into who that is.

Other than that it was interesting monday.

Getting out of bed was tough and slow. Did not get going with the early alarm like I should have.

Just wanted to make up for late night of herding kids/cats back to bed.

In the end I just lied there half dreaming half daydreaming. It was nice, but made the start to my day all off kilter.

Did get to spend some time visiting with Barb.

Now I see why I am missing her so much. We're paralleling again. Only hers is for real and mine isn't. But other things as well.

There's a woman I love dearly. If not for me breaking my foot I never would have known that.

Life is an interesting journey. 

Always amazing, never boring.

And now I know, always fair - despite what I sometimes feel.

This is an important week. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Now it's time for Wallie

A Walk To Remember

I may just watch this movie. 

For now these are for me when I need that moment.

Wherever you will go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpPJGk3cBfE&feature=related

The Memory will Never Die

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RibwDBTmPb0&feature=related

Angel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhEteYudo0w&feature=related

All of Me, My Immortal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym_UJg8xCuw&feature=related

One moment more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXrnXtrDAHo&feature=related

Remember...

Remember me this way. - Ferngully 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it5D9kIbsKw&feature=related

I will remember you - Ferngully style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkz9NV8ndLs

I won't say it. - Hercules

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Or_Fk5ZeTms&feature=related

If We Hold On

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObPneATgASs&feature=related

piano only

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP5ALKMEa-Y

Universe

I had a most interesting dream last night.

Seems to be a fairly common thing lately.

It was along the continuing education theme, but very different.

I felt as though I were sitting in literally the Universal Classroom.

Ok not actually sitting, but you get the idea.

It was a long dream, most of it faded when I woke up, but there was a moment or two that stuck.

I was struck by the thought, rather suddenly, that I was being shown life is indeed fair.

The Universe itself was showing me how life, creation, is always fair. There is a balance.

When I see things as being unfair, it is me removing my responsibility in that balance.

Complicated to say, simplistic to a tee.

Any and all disapointment comes from an unfair expectation;  a removal of balance. My responsibility of that balance.

Duh.

And yet, how often and how quick am I to go to the life isn't fair game?

Alot. Haven't I used that mantra for awhile now

Life is pain highness, anyone who says differently is selling something.

When I come into ground and centered, I am becoming a pivot in that balance. Spreading it out like ripples to the next person or event waiting.

It was an interesting class. 

Life is indeed fair.

All that I have and more. All that I have ever had. And all that I have yet to achieve.

All of it is fair. Responsible.

Joy and Passion.

Life.

High and Low

I watched a movie that was a laugh out loud feel good kind of movie, found myself feeling great. Enjoying my time. 

And then in a moment it was gone again.

The ups and downs are getting ridiculous.

I'm getting whip lash over here.

I've got another girlie movie maybe I'll go watch it.

Guessing that chocolate cake was probably a bad idea. It didn't make me feel hyper, quite the opposite. Kinda depressing.

And then I saw we lost the game tonight. It was even on TV and I didn't watch it. Sigh.

I hope it's on the upswing when I finally get to the sleep part of the day.

I don't want the kind of dreams that come with the lows. Not on my own weekend.

Nightmares are never fun. 

Sigh. Ok I'm done.

I think perhaps I'll cook that turkey tonight. That aroma would keep any deamon away.

It's here, why not.

Did some wandering today while the five were in school.

Got some holiday ideas.

Not sure what Christmas will look like this year. But I do want it to be more about us and memories and time. And much less commercial and materialistic.

Think doing that calender for extended family might be worth repeating for another year.

Thought about making matching ties for my Boys. Haven't done much sewing in the past what, decade.  Make that DVD of kids performance at the Art Festival they won from last summer? I want it all to be more about intentional memories not accidental ones. Taking time to spend loving each other and showing what we are grateful for. 

Maybe movie nights, or marathons. Something.

All thoughts for another day.

16 Things Challenge Tag.

Lara Challenged me on this one. It was harder than she made it look! Thought this was a good thing to put here.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. If you're reading this, I want to know your 16.

1. There are 18 years between me and my youngest sister. There are eight others in between us. That's right 10 in total. Six girls and four boys.

2. I love music. I can play the Flute and I taught myself some Piano. My Favorite bands are Muse, Journey and Foo Fighters. 

3. Coming out of the closet this year... I am a Calgary Flames fan. Jerome Iginla is the coolest guy ever. The Stanley Cup couldn't happen to a better or nicer guy.

4. My favorite thing to wear is sweat pants, a guys t-shirt and sneakers, but I do love to get all dolled up every once in awhile.

5. I have the soul of a poet, heart of dancer but the co-ordination of a dead twig. It's a cosmic joke really.

6. In high school my friends would take bets on when I would fall and end up on crutches. I always lost. I spent months on those damned things. Even had my own key to the elevator - for two years.

7. My favorite color isn't pink. It's more a mixture of orange and pink. Like that perfect color you only see at the perfect moment in a sunrise or sunset. Natures first gold, her hardest hue to hold. 

8. I do like good chocolate, but my real favorite is Lemon.

9. I have always wanted to be a mom. It was my first career choice. My most challenging blessings are my kids. I love making memories with them. The best one are the accidental ones, where it just happens. Like park hopping. And movie night.

10. My Favorite movie is The Princess Bride, followed very closely, in no particluar order, by Ferngully, Land Before Time and Gone with the Wind. Most of which I can quote.

11. My Favorite time of day is just before sunrise, but I hate being up that early, so I settle for loving sunsets to make up for it.

12. I love photography and finding that perfect shot. I've just learned that it takes about 100 pictures to find a few good ones. I have lots of good ones. Which means I have thousands of pictures. Good thing I went digital.

13. I would love to live in a warmer climate, but I hate big bugs. Though the more winters I spend here the more I am getting over that. Costa Rica is looking better all the time.

14. I am very passionate about nutrition and the whole idea of optimal health. It's somewhat of an obsession really. I have to try hard to keep my mouth shut most of the time.

15. I am considered a medical odditity. I still cannot have kids. And I've nearly died twice, this year.

16. I love turtles. 

Worth Remembering

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old 
Irish Wolfhound named Belker.
The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, 
were all very attached to Belker,
and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family 
we couldn't do anything
for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the 
old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would 
be good for six-year-old
Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn 
something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's 
family surrounded him.
Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I 
wondered if he understood
what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully 
away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any 
difficulty or confusion.
We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud 
about the sad fact that animal
lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had bee n listening 
quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'


Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next 
stunned me. I'd never heard a more
comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good 
Life -- like loving everybody
all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued,
'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay 
as long.'
***********
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be 
pure Ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle 
them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY! 

AHHH

I don't think I can take one more thing today.

All before luch no less.

One pink slip. 

Three headaches

Two stomach aches

One fever ... nope make that three fevers

and no partridge in a pear tree either.

It is going to be some weekend.

Yeah friday...

Miracles

You can when you believe.

All this all at once. Again in this dammed boat.

Again. Enough

What alternative do I have. Go back?

Shut up little fears, while I'm busy over here.

Personality and emotions get all tied up in this again.

I am creating my life conscously. Not blowing in the wind

I manifest my own reality I can't pretend I don't

I might as well do it right now.

You cannot mistrust what you trully are.

So what am I mistrusting? Manifest.

Almost amusing

“You don’t close your eyes anymore and wonder who you might be in 20 years; if you’re smart, you study the tape of your current existence to monitor how you’re doing now. You see the present as an ongoing act of creation. You look more closely at your thoughts, behavior and interaction with others. You understand that if you’re coming at life from fear and separation, you have no reason to expect anything but fear and separation back. You seek to increase your strengths and decrease your weaknesses. You no longer seek satisfaction in things outside yourself, completion in other people, or peace of mind in either the past or future. You are who you are, not who you might one day be. Your life is what it is, not what it might someday be. Focusing on who you are and what your life is right now, you come to the ironic and almost amusing realization that yes, the fun is in the journey itself.” 

~Marianne Williamson

Last night was a lot of fun. It was rather cool to go out with all seven of my sisters here. I don't think we've ever had everyone together like that. I'm sure glad I thought to do that. My best friends, my sisters, and my smile. IT was a good night. Laugh out loud movie too. Beautiful someone said. Yeah I guess it was.

Now that we've had the fun stuff, time to move ahead with be being open and allowing other things to unfold.

I am not certain of the how part, only certain of the now aspect.

Now it is vital.

Happy Friday in the ice and snow...

Interesting

I was going to write yesterday and I couldn't think of anything to say.

Yeah I know, me without something to say how strange is that.

Then I remembered my phone call from the RCMP.

I was a little ummm intrigued or curious as to why they were calling me.

That theft that I didn't know had occurred back months ago. The one where I had to go to Calgary to claim my TKD stuff from the stolen car.

Well I have a summons for to appear as a witness in court. She wants to come and serve me Friday night. Court. In Calgary.  In April 28 of next year.

Yeah I get to go to court and in another city no less.

Strange phone call.

Guess if you're going to get a call from the RCMP, this was alright.

No bad news.

Interesting though.

And tonight is girls night.

All of my sisters are coming, minus Reens who isn't here.

But all eight of us are having a night out.

I am excited. Been waiting for this movie for months

I was soo glad it got moved up a month.

I know it won't be like the book, but I am still excited.

The music alone will be amazing. I can't wait to hear her lullaby.

I wanted to make this a memory night, so I set out and created it that way.

Instead of an oh I wish I'd thought to do that...

I did it before hand.

After all as a woman who makes a difference, could I do it any differently?

What you really want, wants you.

With Intent I am a passionate, joyful and responsible woman

I am perfectly Gena.

Who is on her way out to Twilight...

Starting Over New

Figured new email. New shifts, try a new blog while we're at it.

It all evolves anyway, right

Besides, this is realy only for my benfit anyways.

To the new gear, the next shift.

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
                                                           ~Nelson Mandela

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but in seeing with new eyes.”   
                                                                                                                                            ~Marcel Proust

Oh Yeah!

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
~Nelson Mandela

Reality

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”
- William Arthur Ward

surrendering to What IS...
coming from a place of if I do this.... and it turns out way
what's my fear?
If it's not as good as I think it will be, what will people think of me?

Love from Denise

“You don’t close your eyes anymore and wonder who you might be in 20 years; if you’re smart, you study the tape of your current existence to monitor how you’re doing now. You see the present as an ongoing act of creation. You look more closely at your thoughts, behavior and interaction with others. You understand that if you’re coming at life from fear and separation, you have no reason to expect anything but fear and separation back. You seek to increase your strengths and decrease your weaknesses. You no longer seek satisfaction in things outside yourself, completion in other people, or peace of mind in either the past or future. You are who you are, not who you might one day be. Your life is what it is, not what it might someday be. Focusing on who you are and what your life is right now, you come to the ironic and almost amusing realization that yes, the fun is in the journey itself.” ~Marianne Williamson

Whole

“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” –Washington Irving


“Dare to have relationships so real and important that they contain big, messy emotions.
Deep living isn’t tidy.” ~Nancy Conger

Challenge.

Who could you dare to be?


When you drop a stone into water, do you know how far it ripples?

Neither do I.


Make a difference now

Design Your life

11-2-08

If anything were possible and miracles do occur.
Truly taking it on, What would it be?

1. Career

2. Finances

3. Relationships

4. Spiritual Walk

5. Health

6. Redwood Forest


Set a number. Get specific. Teach them by being in the world.

Have to have balance. Gut level honest. By Design. THE SHACK.
Drag body over the finish line or have it carry you over.
Don't hold back.

Get specific on who .. Who do I bind to.
Get clear on intention

If it comes to you, it is meant to come through you even if it doesn't make sense.

Try it one year forward - like it has already occurred.


The purpose of today's training is to defeat yesterdays understanding. - Miyamoto Musashi

Every moment is a choice, every choice has prices and benefits.

No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.

Theory..

The theory of Space
- The space in which you stand, permissions others to do the same.


How you do anything is how you do everything.

After all your exploring you shall return home and see if for the first time - T.S. Elliot

Yin and Yang

The opposition principle.
Everything action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Everything has an opposite. The universe is all about balance.
Matter for antimatter
light for dark
love and loss
hate and joy
day and night
It all has a balance.
There must be a down, so that I can know up.

There is the physical and the other physical.
It is not one heart, but two.
Left and right.

Both must balance or the whole fails.

In all of creation there is nothing more simple or more powerful or more true than the harmony of the dance in the synergy of that delicate balance opposition.
Strength and weakness.
Pleasure and pain.
life and death.

It all has a role to play.

heart

Seems what i wanted to complete i get to do.
That whole melding with the second heart thing.

wasn't sure i'd ever actually get to do that.

see what can appear when open your eyes

Theory

I wonder how much more there is to multiple dimension theories.
Are there truly other realities?
Or are they simply possibilities for this reality to chose from?
Mirrors reflecting.
Or perhaps even potentials for this reality to achieve.

Or more than likely something completely foreign and simplistic that we don't yet know of.

What if it's like split-apart particles?

Just a whole lot more to think about.
I still think frequency plays the biggest role.

Each string has a frequency that's already proven.
If you want to move through a wall, match the frequency. Could it really be that simple. Science is proving disease has a frequency, it's low. Increase the frequency fight the disease to elimination. Cancer being the one of the lowest.

If want to travel to the other side of the galaxy, is it as simple as folding space and matching frequencies? Dimensional shifts would that be the same thing?

It is never truly as complex as man wants to make it seem
The real answers are most often the simplest.

Lots to think about.
Need more time to think and talk it out, outloud.

It's an ocean of swimming
or treading water.

Big

Communication

There are invisible lines of communication all around us.

Sometimes 'divine revelation' simple means adjusting your brain to hear what your heart already knows.

Budah

Each of us is a God. Each of us knows all. We need only open our minds to hear our own wisdom.

Although you have the power to interfere and prevent your child's pain, you would choose to show your love by letting him learn his own lessons?

Of course. Pain is part of growing up. It's how we learn.

Exactly.

Would God be any different?

The answers are already there. Lying dormant inside ourselves; myself.

Listen. 

Remember.

Smell the Stars.

Hear the Light.

Feel it.

The Price

Plato had it right, all those centuries ago.

The price of apathy is to be ruled my evil men.

 History has a way of rewriting itself.

The media is the right arm of Anarchy

Buddhist

What was it she said again?

Ah right.
Remember.
Remembrance. The Buddhist philosophers trick.
Rather than ask my mind to search for a solution to a potentially impossible challenge, I simply ask it to remember. The presupposition that one once knew the answer created the mindset that the answer must exist. Thus eliminating the crippling concept of hopelessness.

Remember your options, your needs.
There are always tools. Reevaluate your environment.
Breathe.
Let your mind be free. What makes this situation positive? What are my assets?

Interesting notion.
One that apparently without even realizing it, I have been doing recently.
Now to consciously bring it into play will be the real challenge.
Remember the answer.

No more impossible.

Driven by...

I don't really care all that much about being right.
Neither am I overly worried about being wrong, it happens.
I don't need time to think, analyze or over think either.
And more often than um well ever I am unorganized to a fault.

I do care about the fun factor.
I want to know if what ever it is, is going to be fun.
I don't want to sit and lecture unless its going to involve having fun
I am most definetly fun driven.

When the other moms were talking about how the book was so hard to get into, like reading Greek, I absolutely could not relate.
I found it exciting. Maybe because even if I didn't understand it all, I got the potential and the possibility. It made sense to me at a whole different level.

Interesting Conversation.

Fear cripples faster than any implement of war.

Why is it that a conversation opener "Do you believe in God?" Turns into a near debate over scripture accuracy, probability and the old heaven vs hell stuff.
Things are so much bigger than all that. And simplier.
Do you believe in God, or what men have to say about God are two completely different things.

Holy Scripture is stories. Legends and history of man's quest to understand his own need for meaning; for belonging and sense of purpose. This is not about giving an opinion or passing judgement on literature.
It is about lying out underneath the stars at night and sensing Divinity. Looking up and feeling in your gut of looking at God's work first hand. It's about sensing, without knowing, a bigger picture at play. Not about what someone claiming to speak for God wrote on a page of something who knows how long ago. Don't get me wrong, there are some good stuff on those pages. In its true form much may have begun as the Word of God.
But it is so much bigger than the narrow mindedness of those with noses stuck in those Holy Books.
Look up for Heaven's sake.
And yet how many would try to argue both sides of an Mobius strip?
The twisted ring of paper that technically only has one side.

It is not about wanting to believe either. Or Intellectual suspension. Or getting hung up over the loving God, eternal judgement and damnation thing either. It is simpler than all of that, and yet not scene by many.

Religion could be viewed like a language or a dress. One will gravitate to what they know and are familiar with. In the end, when it comes right down to it though, all professing the same thing. That life has a purpose; meaning. And gratitude for that power who created us.
Faith is not Random, Faith is universal. Specific methods are arbitrary. In the end the Truth we are searching for is greater than Ourselves.

"Science tells me God must Exist.
My mind tells me I will never understand God.
My heart tells me I am not meant to."

Plain precious and simple truth. It just is.
Without all the frequency bit or gravitating or anything to explain.
It just is.

All that, and I love feeling in numbers. Seeing in colour the feelings I have around numbers.
It is something I had long forgotten about. Faces I never forget. Names and events I have to work at. Numbers flow naturally and effortlessly. I wish I knew what these formulas in my head meant. Soon.
It is the pathway, the formula to all that I desire. To my hearts true path. To the future I want. It is the bluprint and the design and the contractor all in one. Numerically.
Stunningly Beautiful.
Alive.

Scientific Divinity?

Interesting thoughts.

Matter is nothing more than trapped energy. Pure energy - with no mass at all, may very well be the smallest building block of all in nature.

Divine Rules. The laws of Physics are the canvas God laid down to paint His masterpiece.

Science and Religion are totally compatible fields. Two different ways of coming to the same truth. The battle over how the universe came to be - creationism.

No way was it something out of nothing. It was matter unorganized that was caused to become organized. Take enough pure energy you would have that singularity. In the presence of enormous source of energy, matter would change. We just cannot do that part, yet.

"Science and Religion are not at odds. Science is simply to young to understand"

Particle Accelerator. Driving two beams in opposite directions, causing them to collide head-on at enormous speeds, driving them into one another and compressing all their energy into a single pinpoint. Thus achieving extreme energy densities.

When I read that it gave me tingles all over.
The more I read, the more limited I can feel my mind truly is. But the more I want to read, just to grab some small insight.
I will certainly never be a physicist, but it is definitely beyond fascinating to me.
I find this all extremely exciting, alluring, addictive, powerful and so much more than I can not even describe.

My crazy dreams last night were more proof of that. Excited all night, but watching the universe unfolding, refolding, something and everything all at once. It was like watching time condensed into meaningless milliseconds. Seeing the universe created, age, grow old, and die, only to give birth to a new one. Galaxy after galaxy forming like glittering bubbles of some kind. Expanding, contracting and expanding again. Energy and matter colliding and mixing and forming something new from what seemed at first to be chaos. Stars giving birth into solar systems, then contracting back into themselves, imploding almost and then beginning again. It seemed chaotic at first glance. Just a big jumbled mess. But the more I watched, the more order I began to notice. I realized just how limited my vision really is. I became aware that there was so much I could not see. And even more that I could see and simply not begin to comprehend.
Instead I just watched. It was incredible.
I have no idea where that came from, but it was amazing.
I was with someone else too.
Started off holding hands and it was very familiar, but I didn't ever see his face.
Mind you I never took my eyes off the heavens either.

How could I think or be small after seeing so big?

Some night.
Some dream
Some idea.

Yonder is matter unorganized.